Brain Explosion

Sometimes being stuck in a body that I can't control properly annoys the heck out of me. When people look at me when I'm doing something out of the norm, it makes me upset, because they don't understand that I can't control it. They should try and be me for one whole day, then I'm quite sure that they will get so frustrated at themselves and the world, for their body not doing what they want it to do. Do you think an Autistic person enjoys hurting themselves or other people, they don't enjoy it at all, they just totally can't control it as much as they want to control it. So please think again when you stare at a person acting out of the norm.

I wish i could be normal just for one day, if I had only one wish thats what I would wish for. Just to have friends, to be able to talk when I want to, and not to get any sensory overloads. I know it may not be possible ever in my life time, this is not to say that I have trouble accepting the way I am. It's more or less describing what it is actually like every single day of my life. Imagine not being able to understand your own emotions or other peoples, it gets very confusing and unpredictable. Then all you want is for everything to stop and to escape away, to me escaping away is withdrawing back into my shell, the only way that I know is safe!  

Post Trumatic Stress Disorder and Autism

When you have Autism and you experience PTSD as well, it make your life a living hell. You wake up at night time from flashbacks, you have no way of explaining it to others, all you can say is that it is really scary.

Flashbacks are like a graphic video memory in your brain, sometimes it goes away and then comes back suddenly when you least expect it to. When you experience flashbacks, sometimes you may become paranoid about things. For me I wake up and it literally feels like it's happening all over again. Then I become paranoid at night time and I can't leave any doors or windows open, because I am really scared of something happening to you all over again.

Then if someone touches me, I get a double shock. First shock is my sensory system goes into overload, then secondly my brain gets triggered of the rapes and sexual abuse in my past, and then I really freak out. This double shock only happens when I am in relapse and the PTSD kicks in.

When the flashbacks happen, at night time, I wake up or sweaty and I go into panic mode because I think it is happening all over again. There is grounding I have learnt, which means you feel all over your body to remind yourself no one is there. Sometimes I forget this process.

I wake up and start rocking, then the hand flapping comes with the thumb sucking, if I am really distressed it follows on to head banging and sometimes something will just snap in me and the next minute I know there is blood on my arm, from cutting myself, but I don't actually remember doing it. Then I get angry at myself for doing it and I punish myself by punching my arms.

There are two types of self harmer's. First one is those that self harm and don't care about it, and don't want to stop it, then there are those that self harm and they really do want to stop but their brain doesn't allow them for whatever reason. With me there is the added part where I actually don't remember doing it sometimes, but I literally do want to stop which is why I get angry at myself. I cut myself sometimes to get rid of the overwhelming emotional pain I have but sometimes it's not to get a release from emotional pain, but literally I get a big impulse to do so. Which I hate myself for doing.

When you have Autism, its harder to communicate what is really happening inside, which then leads to others to guess what is happening. But if people allow us to communicate in other forms, rather then talking, you will find that you get a better response.

This makes it a living hell for me when my PTSD is in relapse and people often do not understand why and they judge me for doing what I do.

I do have the medication I am on which is supposed to stop me getting the self harm  and the suicide thoughts, but it doesn't always work, and the more you increase it, the more weight you put on.   

Response to Autism Article in North & South 2011

I hate that in recent Autism article that they wish that institutions are still around to put their ASD kids in. that just makes me so angry. Give us the right supports and let me do what I wanna do and I will turn out fine and be doing what I want to do. Stop putting barriers in front of me, local communities, people and places.

Just because one family has a had bad response to the Biomedical Intervention, doesn’t mean every ASD person will have a bad response, I know plenty of people with ASD that have had a positive response to the Biomedical Intervention, some have even started school, with no Teacher Aides, or very little Teacher Aides, and these are children that were Severely Autistic as a child. Adults out there doing the Biomedical Intervention are having lots of positive results. Even Donna Williams and Temple Grandin talk about the importance of how diets can play a role in Autism and related disorders. I think that people need to start to listen to us people with an ASD who live with it every day that knows all the insiders knowledge. Parents can only tell from what they see on the outside but they definitely don’t know what we feel on the inside

Describing Autism as a one way love street is very wrong. People with Autism, have feelings for sure, and we know how to love people, it’s just that our feelings come out in a different way, not a wrong way but a different way. We can love and do love. I’m quite sure if you join the Autistic person with their stimming, like rocking, sucking your thumb, spinning coins, or any of the number of stimming that there is, it will open up a new world for the Neuro-Typical person to understand and accept Autism for what it is. We are simply wired different, not wrong. You will be surprised that you and your Autistic child or adult will open up more when you join in with them, with what they want to. You will get a smile out of them and sometimes even a hug. I personally know plenty of children and adults who are very loving and cuddly person, craving lots of hugs and kisses in a good way.